Extra Curricular Activities - What Types and How Much is Too Much?

When parents ask about extra curricular activities, the two most frequently asked questions are: 1. Should their child be doing more? and 2. What type of activities they should be doing?

This line of inquiry is most often around the desire to increase their student’s chances for admission to college. In order to not deadpan this response, “it depends and it depends”, I pause, take a deep breath and ask, “What types of activities, if any, is your student currently involved in?” Then, I listen.

Unfortunately, I continue to be surprised when this inquiry comes on the heels of reviewing the litany of things the kid is already doing; athletics (sometimes 2 Varsity sports), FBLA, DECA, Orchestra, Theatre, Band, Choir, Spanish Club, Color Guard, Link Crew, Key Club, church commitments, employment, volunteering, shadowing…you get the idea. Note, I haven’t mentioned school yet. I do not resist asking, “When do they sleep?” Common response – “they don’t”. And with this response sometimes there is concern in the parents’ voice and sometimes there is pride. So, the kid is busy and many parents feel that this busyness keeps their child from getting into trouble. Fair enough but how busy is too busy? And what kind of busy is the busy?

It’s common knowledge that we live in a culture that revers being busy. Think about it. When you ask a friend or acquaintance how they are, most often they reply, “Busy!” How often is that your response when asked? Busy is synonymous with success and our culture exalts busy. The busier we are, the more important we are. It’s a competition. You know it and I know it. And most would agree that productive and successful people are busy, but they aren’t running around waving the “I’m so busy” flag. They somehow find time to do everything they want to do. And while you may not get much of their time, when you do you get undivided attention. They are fully present, listen intently and really engage.

As parents we want our children to test the waters in a variety of areas, engage in meaningful activities and hopefully fall in love with something. Where we need to be careful is making sure we aren’t pushing our ideals and habits on to them but rather are walking alongside them and at their pace.

When I work with families, I disclose, right up front, that I am not the expert that “packages” college applicants. There are plenty of outfits that do just that and I’m not one of them. I have zero interest in asking a student to engage in an activity to make them look good on a college application. My only interest is that the student finds a thing or two that they truly enjoy and do that thing or two. Likewise, and in spite of perhaps pushing a student outside of their comfort zone, taking a leadership role is wonderful if that authentically feels good to the student.

So. How much is too much? That’s a personal question that requires an examination of what is working and what is not, with the underlying goal, the student’s happiness. How are their health, stress, and their sleep habits? How are they managing their device addiction, um usage? Are they enjoying life? Do they ever have down time? What are their goals? Do they aspire to be President of the United States? Are they hell-bent on a highly selective school? Are they choosing to engage in activities that bring them joy or are they attempting to fulfill mom or dad’s wishes? There is no one-size-fits-all answer. That said parents must guide their children to ask themselves these questions and then help them find the answers.

In my family, none of my children were the top, at anything, with the possible exception of sarcasm. And it took some practice and perspective to not push them to be number one in their class, MVP or President of the Debate team. As adults, they are thriving members of society and thus far have not been arrested for anything nor intentionally hurt another human being. The two college grads are off my payroll and now buy me glass of wine when we meet for happy hour. Perspective, gratitude, faith – these are the extra curricular activities of life. Let’s strive to fill our calendars with them.