Are we in Kabul or Centennial? Asking For a Friend

With over 4000 degree granting institutions in the United States, students have nearly endless options for their college choice. They must consider academics, location, size and a zillion other factors and lessen you forget, it’s all about fit, folks. With so much variety, why then would a student look beyond the border to earn their degree?

The reasons are deeply personal and quite varied. Some students have a robust sense of adventure and love of travel. Some students have family abroad and may speak a second or third language, making them an ideal candidate for college abroad. Some students are searching for a departure from the norm. Regardless of the motivation, there are rich, affordable and incredibly rewarding opportunities for undergraduate study abroad and more and more Americans are leaving US soil to pursue their educational dreams.

Fun Fact: Higher Ed studies have revealed that there is a sharp decline in international students coming to the United States to study. There are several reasons for this, most related to the political landscape in the US and our current administration’s position on immigration in general. When polled, the most common response regarding the decrease in desirability of US schools is directly related to gun violence. When foreign students think of the United States, they make a distinct and direct correlation to guns. Let that sink in for a moment. I don’t know about you, but I’m just beaming with pride over that fact. Puts a huge buzz kill on the integrity and excellence of US institutions of higher learning. Here’s more. I recently had a wonderful conversation with a woman from Brisbane, Australia. She was explaining how her son attended UNLV on a tennis scholarship. He loved his college experience in Las Vegas and even fell in love with an American. After tremendous consideration, he decided to return to Australia, post graduation. I’ll give you one guess as to why - guns.

I share these facts and experiences not because I want to make a political statement. On the contrary, I find myself trying to lay low on many of the political issues currently monopolizing the news. Rather, I share this information for personal reasons (I will explain in a sec) and because I think it’s really, really important.

When my youngest daughter was a high school senior, she asked my husband and I if we could look into the possibility of her going to college in Europe. After the initial shock, we explained (like we had a hundred times) that she was free to attend college anywhere as long as the Cost of Attendance (COA) didn’t exceed the cost of the University of Colorado Boulder, Colorado’s state flagship university – and a great one at that.

Abigail and I had already done quite a bit of college research, hoping to find a few great-fit options. For some reason, still unknown, she became enamored with the south and so after lots more research and discussions, we went on a weeklong college tour odyssey from Atlanta, Georgia to Oxford, Mississippi. The road trip was a blast (highly recommended just for the bonding time) and we formally toured 5 or 6 schools. Abigail ended up applying to several, as well as a few state schools and received acceptances from all of them and merit award from a few. Yet, something just wasn’t right.

I chalked her lack of excitement and commitment to her lovely and more introverted nature and kept pushing and prodding for some signs of life, if not downright excitement on where she wanted to commit. I ruled out the following possibilities: did she not want to go to college? Was she not emotionally ready? Was she scared? Lacking in confidence? Nope, nope and nope.

Abigail kept saying, “I just want something different. I want a fresh start. I love my friends but I want something different”. And while I would love to say I fully understood her ultimate choice to go half way around the world for school, I didn’t. But what I did do was trust her. She had done the research. We had thoroughly discussed her options and what to expect. Fast forward an academic year and Abigail has just completed her first year at the American College Dublin and she loved it. And she will return for year two in the fall. Let’s face it. This could have gone either way - big success or big fail and the risks were of a pretty high caliber. I distinctly remember asking her this question a few short months before she was to go abroad. What do you think my response will be if you call me from Ireland, three weeks into the term and say, “I just can’t do this. I made a mistake and the homesickness is too hard for me to bare and I need to come home.” She looked me square in the eye and responded, “Your answer will be ‘No’”. And that was the correct answer. (I do want to clarify that this would be my response barring trauma of any sort). I would also like to mention that I was not feeling all that swell about this edict – nor like “mother-of-the-year”. But I am a firm believer in doing the work, up-front, and then riding the wave for at least one semester and preferably one year.

So, ultimately, what was Abigail’s primary reason for wanting to attend a college abroad? It may be as simple as not wanting to attend college in the United States. Abigail was a 14 year-old freshman when the Arapahoe High School, December 13, 2013 shooting happened. And what I know for sure is that the high school experience for her and every other AHS student was permanently altered. I do not have words to describe the feelings of horror and sadness we all felt for the Claire Davis family and the Karl Pierson family. And these feelings were felt by many of the students, in varying degrees. I would also like to add that the faculty and resource officer did everything right and undoubtedly saved many lives. Could it have been worse? Sure. But it was bad enough (whatever that means) and I’m deeply thankful, every single day, that there weren’t more killed.

Not long after the shooting, a dear friend/psychotherapist warned me that most likely the greatest challenges my daughter would have to overcome, post shooting, would stem from the lockdown experience, as opposed to the actual shooting. I believe this to be true. Following a diagnosis of PTSD and a bout of mono, and as the dust began to settle, what I saw was a 14 year old girl, trying to make sense of the whole damn thing. Fact – she no longer felt safe in her school, in spite of me assuring her, daily, that this type of thing would never again happen at her school. That statement seemed to be a pretty safe one to make but of course I was sort of just trying to convince her (and me) that her school was safe. Fact – she spent 4 plus hours on the darkened floor of her science class with virtually no information besides the knowledge that there was an “active shooter situation”. Yes, that’s a term, like “chips and salsa” or “Now watch me whip it. Now watch me nae nae.” Anyway, she was instructed to silence her phone to decrease the risk of drawing attention to herself. This in spite of other students’ texting and calling family members to tell them they loved them and to say goodbye. Fact – She had to pee. For hours and hours she had to pee. All these facts and many other circumstances affected her. Deeply. And I believe they planted the seed for her journey toward college abroad.

If you think we are not raising a generation of children who are suffering from the effects of gun violence – especially school-shootings, think again. I admit I don’t fully understand the impact of this violence but I have had a front row seat to the blow this has had on my child and by ripple effect, on the rest of my family. And as the mere parent of a child involved in a school shooting, I still jump out of my skin and try not to lose my sh*t when I hear a balloon pop or a car backfire.

My BFF told me, after spending time with Abigail, during the winter holiday, that she sees the sparkle back in her eyes. Four long years with no eye sparkle. Isn’t that a flipping tragedy? And Brenda is right; Abigail has rediscovered her sparkle. My hope and prayer is two-fold - that we find answers to this gun violence BS – and soon, and that every student who is lucky enough to live through a school shooting finds their sparkle again.

Today Abigail is thriving and I’m certain that part of her well being is that she lives and goes to school in a country where gun violence is nearly non-existent. What a concept. She lives and studies in a country where she feels safe and accepted and is allowed to just learn and study and navigate life. Her days are filled with getting to class and work on time, and trying to learn about Accounting, Statistics and Business Law from professors with thick Irish, Dutch and Indian accents. Missing from this list of things to learn is how to deal with shootings and lock downs and SWAT teams. Her days are completely devoid of gun violence and the threat of gun violence. And this makes me so happy I could spit. As far as I’m concerned, this is how it is supposed to be. And I struggle with understanding how it is that we are where we are.

Have I had moments of wondering if she is missing out on the many delicious wonders of the typical American college life? Sure. But as she has just completed her first academic year, intact and actually thriving, I know that she had the courage and smarts to make a great decision. Did I have to “let her go”, to another flipping country, and find her way? Yep. Was it hard? Yep. What I also know for sure is that based on her instincts and the grace of God, we made the right choice, for her.

Here are a few details about the typical European higher education track. Student’s select a major (or course) and dive right in. My daughter chose International Business. As a first year student, her curriculum mirrored that of a second year Leed’s School of Business student at CU-Boulder. She will earn her Bachelor of Science in International Business, from an accredited university, in three years. In the event she chooses to complete a 4th year, she will earn her MBA. Think of the savings! Think of the life experience! Think of the option to be done in three – which for a student who doesn’t LOVE school – is brilliant.

I admit, as a parent, I had to wrap my head around this extremely different experience for my daughter and knowing the stellar education and experience my two older daughters had at DU and CU, this made it even more challenging. All this stuff is deeply personal and if we can set aside preconceived notions and judgment; we can make way for clarity to show up and guide us toward best choices.

And that’s really the point here. We have choices; lot and lots of them and they likely look very different from each of our individual vantage points. My take-away: I’m thankful for therapy and insurance and resources. I’m thankful for kindness and patience and the Law of Attraction. I’m thankful for my husband, my three daughters, and extended family and dear friends. Blessings abound.